Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Invasion of the Facebook Felines

Facebook was once a happy, tranquil place. Friends planned weekend excursions. Proud parents invited neighbors to little Johnny's birthday party. Long lost acquaintances found each other at the click of button. Grandparents gushed over pictures of grandchildren living across the country.

Distance no longer mattered. Facebook spanned neighborhoods and nations alike. The world had become a community. We thought it a great thing, instantly connecting with everyone, everywhere, all the time.

We were wrong. We'd been deceived, manipulated, baited. We were corralled like mindless cattle, woefully unaware of the plot against us.

Then she came. The queen. The mother of them all.

Where is Ripley???

She sat atop her pixel-plated throne and began the horrendous spawning that would forever change the planet.

The queen was cunning. She seduced her earliest victims, tantalizing and entertaining them with images of cuteness and playfulness. Those she seduced became zombies, propagating her offspring like a hacker's virus. And from them, the infection spread.

She had successfully established her pawhold. Facebook's millions were within her claws. Her plan was unfolding purrfectly.

Her progeny turned hideous, nasty, vicious. 

Do you feel lucky, punk? Well? Do you?

They multiplied like midnight-fed gremlins swimming the Atlantic. She birthed them one after another in relentless succession, never stopping, never slowing. They invaded everything.

Human eyes the world over stared at Facebook walls and timelines. Feline eyes stared back. No newsfeed was immune. There were no more kibbles, no more bits. There was only Friskies.

Birthday parties were forgotten. Acquaintances were lost. Grandparents scrolled past photos of their grandkids and forwarded photos of cats instead. We'd become fodder, blue-collar Meow Mix and white-collar Fancy Feast.

She reveled in victory. The queen and her offspring dined on the vanquished. She coughed up a hairball and said, "That was good."

Good!?

Take heed, my human kin. Beware. It's an invasion! And they're coming to a Facebook wall near you!

Now you know how the most unsociable of creatures came to dominate the largest social network in history.

I take no responsibility for this post. It was Liesel Hill's fault. She inspired this horror. You may blame her.

45 comments:

  1. I hardly ever visit Facebook, so I'm going to ignorantly assume I'm safe from this invasion. :P

    And OMG, that second cat pic you posted... *dies laughing*

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  2. I love cats, so this is a welcome invasion.

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  3. One more reason I'm glad I don't get on facebook.

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  4. I agree with SP - no Facebook for me!

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    1. It's just a matter of time, Alex. Those cats won't stay on Facebook forever. :)

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  5. Well, cats do rule the universe, so I'm not surprised that they are ruling Facebook, too. "She had successfully established her pawhold" Hahahahaha.

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    1. :) Gotta play with words whenever possible.

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  6. Not on Facebook, but now I'm wondering why not. Look at all those great cat photos I'm missing out on. :P

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  7. I love grumpy cat, that's the last one for those of you who are not a cat queen subject on FB. Actually the one you portray as the Queen is so overweight its pathetic, I can't imagine an owner overfeeding it so much. I do agree about the amount of cat pictures on FB though there are lots of them. I enjoy many of them but then I like cats.

    JO ON FOOD, MY TRAVELS AND A SCENT OF CHOCOLATE

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  8. You are so right! (and those cats are too funny!)

    I kind of miss the family and friend updates though.

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    1. Those updates are still there; the cats just hide them.

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  9. Don't tell anyone, because I'm quite certain with the FB pals I hang with I'll be stoned, but I'm not really a cat person. It started with an allergy but has more to do with the animal's aloofness. And yet, there they are-- their whiskered faces-- everywhere. Who let the cats out? (who...who ... who...)

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  10. I am such an anti-cat dragon and yes, I already noticed cats are everywhere. I see dozens of cat pictures each time I check the web. And here I'm wonder why cats? WHY, OH, WHY? I better send the dwarves to barricade the cave entrance and ponder the option of cloning shredder Chihuahua dog, who is a natural cat hunter. Don't want cats anywhere near my scales.

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    1. I'm fully expecting the arrival of teenaged mutant ninja cats, so hurry up and get the Chihuahua trained! :)

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  11. What's up with all the cats? Liesel are you anti-cat? Anyway facebook is as controlling as you allow it to be. I was a Farmsville addict before I cut myself completely off from the game. I see a link sometimes and wonder but I NEVER click it.

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    1. Yeah, I fell into the CivWorld trap for a spell. I'm still attending rehab. :)

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  12. Did you know that cat videos now get more hits than porn on the internet? Awesome. XD

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    1. I did not know that, but I suppose it makes sense, in a perverted sort of way. LOL

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  13. So true. Lolcats can be so funny, but not if it's all you get to see in lieu of intelligent facebook feeds. >_<

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    1. But the cats are very intelligent, Misha. They're plotting, I tell ya.

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  14. Oh dear ... that's my second consecutive evil laugh ... Bwhahahaha

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  15. those darn cats! taking over the universe one fb post at a time!

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    1. They're like the Energizer bunny. They keep posting and posting and posting.

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  16. These are hilarious! It's strange how cats are so much funnier than other animals.

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    1. And with the proper caption, the amusement multiplies like...well, like cats!

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  17. Well, all the interwebs are full of LOL cats and I, for one, am glad. I've been saying for years, before I ever got internet-savvy, thus dating myself horribly, that cats are the funniest creatures on Earth. I see that I was right all those years ago. ;)

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    1. It's always satisfying to be proven correct, isn't it? :)

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  18. I have two cats. Maybe I should add them to my photos and have them make comments and show them to the world. I'll have to think about it.

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    1. You might even be able to establish a royalties system. Of course, the cats get the first cut. :)

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  19. Dude- And I thought my cat was fat. Lord, have mercy!! Cool pics.

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    1. LOL Every time I see that picture I keep waiting for Ripley to come rushing in with a flame thrower.

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  20. Jeff, that was a hoot! I absolutely loved the line with the Gremlins reference! Purrfect!

    I'm more of a dog person. I skim right over the cats on FB, but give me a pic of a dog and I'll caption it right away!

    M.L. Swift, Writer

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    1. Thanks, Mike. It seems though that most dog pics are taken when cats are getting the better of them.

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  21. There is a misseplling in the last caption--delete one of the 'O's in the word "Good." (;

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    1. And then their rule will be absolute, yes? :)

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  22. Ah yes, 'Farcebook'. 'The foul and the pussycat.' Those cat photos are everywhere and cats do have this evil plan to rule all social notworks, I mean networks!

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    1. As Gollum would say, they're tricksy, Precious.

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