Sunday, July 17, 2016

Homesick

My journey through grief has now lasted three years. Three years with a chunk of your heart in a place so distant, so unreachable, seems an eternity. I close my eyes and remember her smile, her laughter, and her embrace. The tangibles now are photographs, dresses in the wardrobe, and the smell of her perfume that I keep on the nightstand beside the bed. They're pale shadows of what was and reminders of the hope of what will be.

Three years on this journey since I first asked God "Why?" and I'm finally now no longer crippled. The void inside me no longer causes my chest to crumble and collapse. The ache of her absence no longer saps the entirety of my essence in an unrelenting tempest.

Finally, after three long years, I have begun to discover the true "me after we" and am able to accept that the "me after we" has value, purpose, and hope. The "me" is better for having been "we" and can finally say with confidence, "I will live." The "me" will always miss and long for the "we", but the "me" will survive.

I see storm clouds ahead of me on this road, but I see storm clouds behind me as well. I found my way through those and have faith that I'll find my way through those to come. The mountains and valleys and ravines waiting for me are not the first I've faced. I'll slip and stumble and scrape my knees, but the road stretches onward and I've resolved to walk it to its end.

The vow of "forever" is still "forever" and carries no regret. I will hold fast the heart she entrusted to me until my final breath. I'll always be homesick for where my heart is and that's okay. I will never know on this side of eternity the answer to the question of "Why?" but I'll forever carry gratitude for the time that "me" was "we."



34 comments:

  1. Beautiful, powerful, heartwrenching.
    I am so' glad that you have found value in 'me', despite yearning for the 'we.

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  2. Hi Jeffrey - wonderful sentiment you've been able to express here ... and I totally agree with EC's comment - my thoughts to you and your family ... but I'm so glad you are adjusting and realise there's life ahead, despite the wonderful life you've, by force of circumstances, had to leave behind ... all the best for your future - Hilary

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    1. My thanks to you. I've learned that 'adjusting' and 'realizing' can be the most active of verbs.

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  3. Yes, so powerful. God will continue to guide you through the storms. You still have purpose.

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    1. I won't lie, Alex. The storms have at times been frightening.

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  4. Replies
    1. Finding the "me" was impossible while my eyes were blinded to everything except "we".

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  5. Replies
    1. Thanks, Susie. The journey has been grueling, but I'm journeying still.

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  6. It is good you've found the 'me' after 'we' but are still able to hold on to the 'we' and recognize that there will still be trials that you'll face. Hang in there.

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    1. Thank you, Terry. Knowing the "we" made a better "me" lends strength to face the trials to come. :)

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  7. Replies
    1. So many thanks, Suzanne. It felt good to finally be able to say those things honestly.

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  8. Replies
    1. :D Your three little words brought a great big genuine grin to my cheeks, Widder. Thank you.

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  9. Very touching, Jeff. You'll always have the "we" in your heart.

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    1. Thank you, Diane. The "we" will indeed always be part of me.

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  10. This is so touching. Glad you've been able to rediscover enough hope to help you survive the grief...

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    1. I thank you, Heather. I think Myra would be proud. :)

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  11. God's ways are unknown, but he has a path for you. Three years is a long time to suffer without an answer.

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    1. Yes they are, and yes He does. And yes, it surely is. Peace comes, I think, when the "why" no longer overshadows the rest.

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  12. Hi human, Jeff,

    My amazing human friend, your passionate verbalisation is truly inspiring. Bless you, good sir.

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny

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    1. And my most pawsitive wishes to the most captivating canine, Penny. ;-) And take good care of that human of yours. :)

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  13. Jeff, you have a gift with words. I read your words, and I FEEL. Which trust me, is a hard thing to accomplish. Your life. Your story will always resonate within me. Love this post. And I've missed your blog. I'm glad to be back in blogosphere. <3

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    1. The gift, Morgan, is you and your steadfast resolve to approach life with a warm heart and positive mindset. And trust me, the blogosphere is better with you as part of it. Smile strong!

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  14. I don't think you ever get over missing them. You just journey on waiting to meet up with them again one day. After my brother died, I decided I would see him again and I would live a life that when we met up at the Pearly Gates, he would high five me for living- not waste my life and have him clunk me over the head for being stupid (and I'd fully expect that...my big brother didn't take any crap from people, LOL)
    Hugs, Jeff. I'm glad you're feeling stronger.

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    1. Thanks. That's an excellent way to approach life after a loss.

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  15. This was very moving to read, Jeff. I'm glad you've reached a point where you can find joy in life even while always missing your true love.

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  16. Also...I can't believe it's been three years!

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    1. Odd thing, the passage of time. It can simultaneously seem so short and so long. From the perspective of climbing out of the valley's depths, however, it feels like a very long time. Thank you.

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  17. Yes, sometimes people are not kidding. Of course, forever is a short while.

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